Here's to 2010

Is it obligatory to do a 'review' post on New years Eve? As I don't like it when my newspaper does endless reviews of the year (and also this year, the decade as well) I think I will largely refrain!
I will just say its been exactly a year since I decided I had to open the pandora's box that is my transgenderism and its been positive so far (and quite a lot of fun), and am moving forward at a pace I can handle. The hard parts are still to come. If I progress at the pace of this year, then I will be in for an interesting 2010. Here's to a happy new year to all!

Bletchley

I walked around Bletchley on Saturday afternoon and went into the shops. Bletchley is about as far removed from Brighton as it is possible to get (even though Pink Punters is nearby). No-one took any notice of me there either!

Brighton

Despite the wind and rain, I had a pleasant weekend in Brighton. It was the first time i'd been there for over two decades. The Friday night was with friends and on Saturday I had time alone. During the day I wandered around the city centre and the seafront and went to a number of bars from late afternoon (after the weather took a turn for the even worse). Walking around no-one took any notice of me and I just seemed to blend in, which was nice. I did wonder though whether that was because it was Brighton, and that I could have dressed as a giant vegetable and no-one would have batted an eyelid!

Tights for Autumn

This post is an excuse to brighten up the blog with some pics!

Once upon a time, or for well over fifteen years anyway, black opaque tights have been the wardrobe essential, and as a woman would have featured extremely strongly in my everyday wear. In fact I was so envious of women who were able to have them as their staple item of clothing. Yet now that I am putting together my autumnal seasonal wardrobe, I am not just looking to wear black opaques but am tentatively exploring different colours and even textures. I aim- wishful thinking?- for a more 'continental european' style in my dress and therefore this does not neccessarily lead to black opaques. I've tried bright purple (as per above), which is not bad for clubbing, but for more everyday wear (not much at the mo at this stage in my journey!) then I find charcoal, dark grey or muted purple, seems to work well for me (also patterned, ribbed or woolly tights in these colours), particularly with flat boots. I suppose this isn't improving the overall colourfulness of my wardrobe (see previous post)!

Autumn is Coming

Autumn and winter is coming and the autumn fashions for women are now in the shops, but what is even better is that this year I will be buying them to wear. I’ve always thought winter fashions were more ‘me’ than summer ones, so i’m getting quite excited and animated about sorting out my winter wardrobe.
I feel compelled to buy a pair of flat high leg chocolate brown boots. I know they won’t be cheap but a woman's got to do what a woman's got to do and I must have them! The plan is to wear with skinny jeans or black tights and an over the knee skirt. I think I will strart my hunt on Saturday, but as matters stand I think it is looking like the above pair from Dune (concession in HoF Birmingham) at £120 meets most of my requirements!

In relation to winter clothing, I think it is probably easier to pass in the winter months (as long as I don’t do too trendy and thus bring attention onto myself). Combined with the laser treatment, this should give me the confidence to go out during the day ( which has been limited to a couple of short soirees in London up to now).
Indeed I think it is becoming increasingly important to my well-being that I do present more as Sarah. My best friend Kate is now in a position where even in male mode she is now androgynous, and can to a large extent therefore be her natural self even in male mode (thus lessening her gender dysphoria). For now I have still to keep the male and female sides of me separate, but i'm feeling an increasing sense of loss when I cannot present as female and thus I need to start to shift the balance in time spent in m and f roles.

Test session

My Lightsheer mini-zapping at Bodilight, Milton Keynes (place has had good recommendations on Tg Forums) passed off without incident, although the hairs actually being zapped puts me in mind of foul smelling popcorn.
I had three test patches at low, medium and high zapping (but didn't ask what these were in numerical terms) all under my chin. No rash or any reaction to any.
I thought this would augur well for my first full session- but I met someone yesterday who said she’d had no reaction to the test patch, but it was a different matter when the whole beard area was treated. Oh well...

Laser

Well i’ve booked a consultation session on laser hair removal (including a test patch removal) for Saturday afternoon. For some reason this seems a big deal to me (more than going out for the first time or going into London pubs on my own) and I actually have butterflies in my stomach. I suppose this is because, firstly, although it is only a test patch and is only hair removal, it marks the start of the long term/permanent physical changes to come and, secondly, it means outing myself whilst in in male mode for the first time, because i’m not going to fib as to why I want the treatment.

Inspirational Friends

I’ve met a great bunch of girls over the past six months. However, because of how they are meeting head on what they need to do in theiir lives in order to be more in line with their true identities, a small and select number have given me real inspiration to follow in their footsteps. Because of this I sincerely hope you don’t mind me mentioning you here. K is my best friend, and in many ways my mentor- and I have seen at first hand the sacrifices she has made but also her commitment (in sheer force of energy and in going through the pain barrier in tattoo removal and electrolysis!) to becoming the real her; J who has transitioned and in a job with a very public face; R who has also transitioned and who, despite being a lovely individual, has struggled to find acceptance in her community and has had to move away; S who is a bundle of energy and moving forward with gusto despite her sad loss; and finally, A for how she was able to grasp the nettle and come out. I feel honoured to know you all.

Size Matters

I do struggle with womens clothing sizes. As someone who is short in male mode and thus finds it difficult to get clothes in small sizes (not that I really buy many male clothes these days), I naively thought it was going to be easier to find womens clothes that fit. For a start a 14 in one shop is not the same as a 14 in another, and even in the same shop they vary between ranges. I regard my top half as being a 14 (although this does fit sometimes rather too snugly over my boobs) but sometimes it has been as low as a 10 and up to a 16.
My bottom half is a 10, but I find it amazing that as someone who is 5”6’finds so many women’s trouser lengths to be too long! I quite like having to buy from ‘petite’ ranges, as it sounds nice and feminine, but I hardly consider myself a petite female. I do wonder how those in the sisterhood far shorter than me can find anything to fit!

A Birmingham Saturday

Having not been out (as Sarah) the previous weekend and with nothing pencilled in for the next two, I came to the conclusion on Friday that that was far too long a gap (in fact the largest gap since I started by a country mile). So I found a cheap deal on a hotel in Birmingham. Saturday afternoon shopping (although in male mode, and I now so regret not buying a little black dress in Warehouse!), and then out in the village in the evening.
Anyway to get to the crux of this post- Up to now when i’ve left hotels on my own, it has been with trepidation and nervousness and the feeling that the whole world knows what you’re doing and is looking at you. Not this time. I was out of the hotel and walking down the street with a mix of (a) relief that I was once again presenting as female and (b) contentment at how good I felt because I was. To me this is progress, although one day going out as me will simply be second nature and not worthy of a moments thought- I can’t wait!

First Six Months...The Next Six Months

My first night out as Sarah was in early March of this year and since then i’ve had an eye-opening but also enjoyable time discovering myself and meeting new people, a number of which have become very good friends. You all know who you are, but my best friend Kate particularly deserves a mention here.
It has all made me eager to progress, but i’m determined to not get ahead of myself, although I know I will need to push myself and push boundaries if i’m to reach my ultimate goal.
If the last six months was about becoming visible and making friends and finding out what I need to do next, the next six months are about actually starting to put these into effect. The top three things are: start laser treatment on my beard shadow, going on a diet (to start to go from 11 stone to less than 10) and, the biggie, starting on hormones. I’ll keep you informed of progress!

Introduction

I’ve always wanted to but not thought i’d actually be taking this step (and I don’t mean writing a blog!). Anyway a new life now awaits me. I thought therefore that setting up a blog would be helpful in enabling me to put my jottings down on my journey to womanhood (the good, the bad and the in-between), firstly to enable me later on to be able to look back on how far i’ve progressed; and, secondly, just possibly to help and inform others who are thinking of embarking, or have also embarked, on this gender journey.
It is still a mystery as to why I suddenly felt I had to transition. I’ve spend my life since I was a teenager carrying on (through gritted teeth) in a gender role that didn’t suit me, having deciding that the trauma of changing over was just going to be too great. What was I felt the least worst option. And then bang, beginning of 2009, all previous bets were off. I wonder was it the realisation dawning on me that you only have one life and therefore its best living it as you feel you were meant to live it?
Anyway I now firmly feel that changing over, albeit difficult, will be manageable, whilst staying as I am is becomingly increasingly an ordeal. In other words- there is no alternative.
What i’m about to do I’m finding to be both liberating and frightening; i’m also so looking forward to the changes to come, but so nervous about it all. Ultimately, however, I think the only regrets I will have is that I didn’t do it all earlier!