Girl Talk

Going out during the day I sometimes feel like a tourist in a european country. I don't get read until I open my mouth. I need therefore to do something about my voice. So I had my first speech therapy session on Saturday. Will be having them every three weeks now.  Felt at home with the therapist (Christella Antoni) and the venue for the Saturday sessions was twee: it was a former groundsmans cottage at the edge of park converted into a clinic, between Hammersmith and West Brompton underground stations. Now I need to do my exercises for 10 minutes a day!

Laser Update

Had my third laser session on Friday. Whereas the first time I had a terrible acne flare up and the second time I had a swollen side of the face and lips for 48 hours this time thankfully there were no side effects! The view on TG Fora is that because of growing cycles, ten to twelve weeks is the correct spacing between sessions (despite clinics usually suggesting about 6 weeks), but no-one ever posts about what happens if you go beyond those dates; because i’m not the most organised person I managed to go 15 weeks between the first and second session and 13 weeks between the second and third. Anyway despite this matters seem to be progressing quite nicely- its just a shame that it doesn’t do anything about white hairs.

Anorak Woman

Not posted here for a while- couldn’t think of anything to say that I thought was worthwhile to say and the longer I didn’t post the more I got out of the habit. So lets try and get back into the swing of things.
One of the few things about me I consider relatively blokey is an anoraky interest in (particularly old) television. I say blokey because it is not something women seem to be interested in. Anyhow i’ve joined a forum on tv/radio but as Sarah and have now made my first tentative post. I don’t know why but I feel a bit of the odd woman out but it was wrong to join as a man.

After effects

I have had an extremely spotty week after I finally got around to having a first full session of Laser last Monday. I wasn’t expecting this to happen as I had absolutely no reaction to the test patch. I looked like I had a very bad case of acne. I reckon it will take another week for the spots to go away. I’m hoping the reaction may not be as bad next time. However if it is then this means if I have laser every 10 weeks, then if followed by two weeks of spots, I will be spotty 20% of the time- not happy. It also means if I go out during the two week period, as I did on Friday, I have to get the derma out in greater quantities than previously!

I now haven’t brought any male clothes for over a year(other then essentials for work) and my casual wardrobe is now looking rather tatty. However I do need some clothes for casual wearin male mode that are not threadbare! I am now solving this issue, as countless others have done in the past, by buying womens clothes that I can get away with wearing in male mode. So a pair of combat-type trousers and two shirts have been brought, plus some plain knickers and women’s socks. More stuff will be brought so that I can replace all my guy casual gear. However it will be a bit of a balancing act, as I need to make sure that the clothes, when worn singularly or in combination, don’t look either too girly or too gay- I don’t want to out myself quite yet. I’ll have to be particularly careful what I wear the combats with!

I had a brief chat with a young gay girl towards the end of the New Years Eve night at Pink Punters. She asked for my number and we’ve texted a bit since. It transpires she lives in the same town as me and so we agreed to meet up at the gay bar/club in the town centre. It seemed a decent venue and got quite popular after 11.00; its open until 6.00, although we left at 2.00.

The key thing about this meetup was being in my own town, I left from my house and walked there and back- no going to a hotel and dressing before venturing out. I even walked through the heart of thronging drunken melee that is the town centre at 2.00 in the morning (albeit with my friend). Another box ticked off I suppose.

10% night

I’ve worked out that well over three quarters of my nights out are now as me; in fact probably 90%. Friday night was one of the 10% nights. It was a leaving do for someone from a different section; it was a good group of us and with more females than males. However as the night wore on I found myself very much less than comfortable in my allotted role for that night- not least I couldn’t act as I wanted to with the girls and who nevertheless see me as a bloke and treat me accordingly. I went home before everyone decamped to a club- definitely deflated because the trans thing had got to me, but also in a bizarre way I found it strangely re-assuring that I am finding it ever harder to do the bloke thing these days.

The sound of the crowd

I spent a couple of hours early on Saturday night in the Candy Bar in Soho. As a lesbian bar with apparently a rather strict door policy I was unsure of the welcome I would receive. However I found it a welcoming place with high quality bar staff. When I arrived it was rather empty but by the time I left it was packed. What struck me, when I was listening to the crescendo of animated female voices throughout the bar, was that I had never been in a totally female dominated bar before, and as bars are either mixed or male dominated, how out of the ordinary it sounded to me. Pity far more bars aren't like this!

Here's to 2010

Is it obligatory to do a 'review' post on New years Eve? As I don't like it when my newspaper does endless reviews of the year (and also this year, the decade as well) I think I will largely refrain!
I will just say its been exactly a year since I decided I had to open the pandora's box that is my transgenderism and its been positive so far (and quite a lot of fun), and am moving forward at a pace I can handle. The hard parts are still to come. If I progress at the pace of this year, then I will be in for an interesting 2010. Here's to a happy new year to all!

Bletchley

I walked around Bletchley on Saturday afternoon and went into the shops. Bletchley is about as far removed from Brighton as it is possible to get (even though Pink Punters is nearby). No-one took any notice of me there either!

Brighton

Despite the wind and rain, I had a pleasant weekend in Brighton. It was the first time i'd been there for over two decades. The Friday night was with friends and on Saturday I had time alone. During the day I wandered around the city centre and the seafront and went to a number of bars from late afternoon (after the weather took a turn for the even worse). Walking around no-one took any notice of me and I just seemed to blend in, which was nice. I did wonder though whether that was because it was Brighton, and that I could have dressed as a giant vegetable and no-one would have batted an eyelid!

Tights for Autumn

This post is an excuse to brighten up the blog with some pics!

Once upon a time, or for well over fifteen years anyway, black opaque tights have been the wardrobe essential, and as a woman would have featured extremely strongly in my everyday wear. In fact I was so envious of women who were able to have them as their staple item of clothing. Yet now that I am putting together my autumnal seasonal wardrobe, I am not just looking to wear black opaques but am tentatively exploring different colours and even textures. I aim- wishful thinking?- for a more 'continental european' style in my dress and therefore this does not neccessarily lead to black opaques. I've tried bright purple (as per above), which is not bad for clubbing, but for more everyday wear (not much at the mo at this stage in my journey!) then I find charcoal, dark grey or muted purple, seems to work well for me (also patterned, ribbed or woolly tights in these colours), particularly with flat boots. I suppose this isn't improving the overall colourfulness of my wardrobe (see previous post)!

Autumn is Coming

Autumn and winter is coming and the autumn fashions for women are now in the shops, but what is even better is that this year I will be buying them to wear. I’ve always thought winter fashions were more ‘me’ than summer ones, so i’m getting quite excited and animated about sorting out my winter wardrobe.
I feel compelled to buy a pair of flat high leg chocolate brown boots. I know they won’t be cheap but a woman's got to do what a woman's got to do and I must have them! The plan is to wear with skinny jeans or black tights and an over the knee skirt. I think I will strart my hunt on Saturday, but as matters stand I think it is looking like the above pair from Dune (concession in HoF Birmingham) at £120 meets most of my requirements!

In relation to winter clothing, I think it is probably easier to pass in the winter months (as long as I don’t do too trendy and thus bring attention onto myself). Combined with the laser treatment, this should give me the confidence to go out during the day ( which has been limited to a couple of short soirees in London up to now).
Indeed I think it is becoming increasingly important to my well-being that I do present more as Sarah. My best friend Kate is now in a position where even in male mode she is now androgynous, and can to a large extent therefore be her natural self even in male mode (thus lessening her gender dysphoria). For now I have still to keep the male and female sides of me separate, but i'm feeling an increasing sense of loss when I cannot present as female and thus I need to start to shift the balance in time spent in m and f roles.

Test session

My Lightsheer mini-zapping at Bodilight, Milton Keynes (place has had good recommendations on Tg Forums) passed off without incident, although the hairs actually being zapped puts me in mind of foul smelling popcorn.
I had three test patches at low, medium and high zapping (but didn't ask what these were in numerical terms) all under my chin. No rash or any reaction to any.
I thought this would augur well for my first full session- but I met someone yesterday who said she’d had no reaction to the test patch, but it was a different matter when the whole beard area was treated. Oh well...

Laser

Well i’ve booked a consultation session on laser hair removal (including a test patch removal) for Saturday afternoon. For some reason this seems a big deal to me (more than going out for the first time or going into London pubs on my own) and I actually have butterflies in my stomach. I suppose this is because, firstly, although it is only a test patch and is only hair removal, it marks the start of the long term/permanent physical changes to come and, secondly, it means outing myself whilst in in male mode for the first time, because i’m not going to fib as to why I want the treatment.

Inspirational Friends

I’ve met a great bunch of girls over the past six months. However, because of how they are meeting head on what they need to do in theiir lives in order to be more in line with their true identities, a small and select number have given me real inspiration to follow in their footsteps. Because of this I sincerely hope you don’t mind me mentioning you here. K is my best friend, and in many ways my mentor- and I have seen at first hand the sacrifices she has made but also her commitment (in sheer force of energy and in going through the pain barrier in tattoo removal and electrolysis!) to becoming the real her; J who has transitioned and in a job with a very public face; R who has also transitioned and who, despite being a lovely individual, has struggled to find acceptance in her community and has had to move away; S who is a bundle of energy and moving forward with gusto despite her sad loss; and finally, A for how she was able to grasp the nettle and come out. I feel honoured to know you all.

Size Matters

I do struggle with womens clothing sizes. As someone who is short in male mode and thus finds it difficult to get clothes in small sizes (not that I really buy many male clothes these days), I naively thought it was going to be easier to find womens clothes that fit. For a start a 14 in one shop is not the same as a 14 in another, and even in the same shop they vary between ranges. I regard my top half as being a 14 (although this does fit sometimes rather too snugly over my boobs) but sometimes it has been as low as a 10 and up to a 16.
My bottom half is a 10, but I find it amazing that as someone who is 5”6’finds so many women’s trouser lengths to be too long! I quite like having to buy from ‘petite’ ranges, as it sounds nice and feminine, but I hardly consider myself a petite female. I do wonder how those in the sisterhood far shorter than me can find anything to fit!

A Birmingham Saturday

Having not been out (as Sarah) the previous weekend and with nothing pencilled in for the next two, I came to the conclusion on Friday that that was far too long a gap (in fact the largest gap since I started by a country mile). So I found a cheap deal on a hotel in Birmingham. Saturday afternoon shopping (although in male mode, and I now so regret not buying a little black dress in Warehouse!), and then out in the village in the evening.
Anyway to get to the crux of this post- Up to now when i’ve left hotels on my own, it has been with trepidation and nervousness and the feeling that the whole world knows what you’re doing and is looking at you. Not this time. I was out of the hotel and walking down the street with a mix of (a) relief that I was once again presenting as female and (b) contentment at how good I felt because I was. To me this is progress, although one day going out as me will simply be second nature and not worthy of a moments thought- I can’t wait!

First Six Months...The Next Six Months

My first night out as Sarah was in early March of this year and since then i’ve had an eye-opening but also enjoyable time discovering myself and meeting new people, a number of which have become very good friends. You all know who you are, but my best friend Kate particularly deserves a mention here.
It has all made me eager to progress, but i’m determined to not get ahead of myself, although I know I will need to push myself and push boundaries if i’m to reach my ultimate goal.
If the last six months was about becoming visible and making friends and finding out what I need to do next, the next six months are about actually starting to put these into effect. The top three things are: start laser treatment on my beard shadow, going on a diet (to start to go from 11 stone to less than 10) and, the biggie, starting on hormones. I’ll keep you informed of progress!

Introduction

I’ve always wanted to but not thought i’d actually be taking this step (and I don’t mean writing a blog!). Anyway a new life now awaits me. I thought therefore that setting up a blog would be helpful in enabling me to put my jottings down on my journey to womanhood (the good, the bad and the in-between), firstly to enable me later on to be able to look back on how far i’ve progressed; and, secondly, just possibly to help and inform others who are thinking of embarking, or have also embarked, on this gender journey.
It is still a mystery as to why I suddenly felt I had to transition. I’ve spend my life since I was a teenager carrying on (through gritted teeth) in a gender role that didn’t suit me, having deciding that the trauma of changing over was just going to be too great. What was I felt the least worst option. And then bang, beginning of 2009, all previous bets were off. I wonder was it the realisation dawning on me that you only have one life and therefore its best living it as you feel you were meant to live it?
Anyway I now firmly feel that changing over, albeit difficult, will be manageable, whilst staying as I am is becomingly increasingly an ordeal. In other words- there is no alternative.
What i’m about to do I’m finding to be both liberating and frightening; i’m also so looking forward to the changes to come, but so nervous about it all. Ultimately, however, I think the only regrets I will have is that I didn’t do it all earlier!